Invisible

Today, I have been feeling used up.......You know, the tired, overwhelmed, can't go one more step, kind of exhaustion. I think we all get there........sometimes.

Kelsie had FFA career activities at our community college all day. That meant the burden of the barn and cavies fell on mom's shoulders. On top of this, I was up all night watching one of her does who was doing her darnedest to have her litter of bunnies on the wire. (This means out of the nest box and on the floor of the cage) Kelsie has had a tough time getting Tan babies this year so, it was important that they didn't become bunnysicles!

I let her go to bed at midnight after we finished her breeder profile that she was asked to do. It was a real honor that she be asked to do this profile as the District Two Director, Joey Shultz will be submitting it to the Domestic Rabbit for his column. So, after much editing on my part.....we came up with a final draft for her to submit...........she went to bed........I babysat a dumb rabbit!

Then, this morning hit with all it's glory. After two hours of sleep, my husband woke me up to inform me that my son had missed the Sped Bus. Great! Now, Kel had to be at school by eight and DJ had to be dressed, take his supplements, eat breakfast and at school by 7:45. So much for a calm morning with coffee and the Today show.

I could go on.....but why??? Many parents face complicated lives.......it's just lately......I've started to feel invisible. I have become the cog that makes the clock work. I live on the inside and no person really sees what I do. It stinks, and it hurts.......sometimes.

Many of us have felt the sting of being invisible. Although accolades are nice, are they the ultimate prize in our lives? God calls us to reach beyond ourselves and serve.........so serving here at home is still the most important job I have. So, for today, I need to rest and rejuvenate.....then, I can face the challenges that arise tomorrow.......with God's help!

Blindsided......

Today I was tired. Kelsie and I didn't get home until 10:00pm.........we had another rabbit show. I embarrassed myself by oversleeping and missing prayer partners this morning. I drove my daughter to a cavy meeting that wasn't happening this week, and concluded with an exhausting evening of AWANA. Oh, I also forgot that I managed to get two hours of HBOT in with DJ this afternoon.

Now, that is always an adventure! Imagine zipping yourself into a round vinyl chamber (I refer to as the ziplock bag) with an unwilling six year old child for two hours. There isn't much room and you have to figure out how to entertain them! The first hour usually goes ok as he watches movies and the only scuffle is me yelling "Get your mask on!" You see he also has to wear an oxygen mask to make this work!!

Hour two is much more grueling...... I have to live with the constant complaints of how boring this is, and dodge hits to the head from his elbows. He also likes to beat the lower part of you with his legs......the other awesome part is I get to do this for the next twenty days then take two weeks off......then we'll be back at it again for another twenty days.

So, this is HBOT! I wish that was the part of today that was the worst bummer............but I made a discovery today that kind of blindsided me.

Today, I decided that we would watch G-Force. I am usually watching pre-school shows because he really hasn't graduated to children's movies. I put my foot down today because I am SO tired of Wow Wow Wubzy, Bob the Builder, Thomas, and The Backyardagains! I started the movie and was really starting to get into it when he goes off on how he wants to see something else.

This goes on for ten minutes. Then, he starts freaking out over any scene that has suspense. I keep explaining how it's a Disney movie.......no guinea pig will die.....it will end happy!! The pep talk wasn't really sinking in his little brain. Just getting through the movie was exhausting!

Finally, it was time for movie wrap up! You know the time we all spend reviewing a film after we see it! Sometimes this part is even more fun than watching the movie! Why??? Because this is when we connect as humans.......we share an event that we both experienced emotionally.

We connect!

I got to this part with DJ......I asked him how he liked the movie? He responded with, "I want to watch Extreme Trains." I asked him again.....elicited the same response. I then asked him what pig he liked best.....I got, "I want to get out." This question and answer period went on for another ten minutes. Toward the end, I must admit that I was starting to get a little nasty.......out of shear frustration. I wanted to beg him to relate to me.....see something I did.

Thank God, our time ended in the HBOT. I was struck a little later how it's almost impossible to connect with DJ on a primal level. I know he loves me.....and I love him. I was still left feeling that my son and I have nothing in common.......nothing to talk about......nothing to share.

I could give you every scientific explanation for why this is......I could explain to you how his brain is miswired and how this affect his ability to communicate, relate, and make emotional connections. Truth is that today all I felt was heartache.......The in your face, painful, heart wrenching pain. I had to realize that DJ and I may never have things to talk about except what he finds interesting. I don't even know if he cares that I don't care and am tired of hearing about it.

Tomorrow, we go to Phoenix for two days of doctor's appointments, IV's, and OT. Tomorrow I will bury my hurt and frustration and blindly have faith. Thank God.....I have tomorrow. This is how I cope...........this is how I survive.

Is God Calling???

I feel a shift....a change.....a movement....somewhere in my soul.

Lately, I have felt restless......grumpy.....invisable.....in a rut. Here I sit.....a teacher without a job. I know being a mother is an important job. I also know raising a disabled child has been one of the greatest challenges of my life. Still, my soul thirsts for more.

Why.....what can I do now? I know that God has called me to do more than I am doing now..........

I think I figured it out tonight......I need to go to Haiti. I need to make a difference and use the gifts that God has given me. I can teach....I can lead...I can help.

The times in my life that I have felt the most energized are when I have been actively engaged in helping others......now more than ever I need to be a part of something bigger than myself. Don't we all feel that way......when teaching, assisting. or helping others.....don't you feel like a bigger part of something?

I don't know where this is going to lead but i will keep posting my journey. Needs are everywhere.....I just feel this is something God is calling me to do. The people of Haiti needed tremendous help before this happened. This need will go on for years after the media has long since left. I want to be there to help. Guess I better start working on my Creole!! :)

Enough Already....

Yuma is typically a city with no weather....... We vary between sunny and hot and sunny and warm. There isn't much else to our weather. Lately, I wish that that was the case. We have been flipping between windy and cold, and windy and rainy. I have had to arrange my schedule to get things done when we have a couple breaks in the wind and rain.

The other problem with the weather flips are that this crazy weather has sent my son into various emotional flips and behavior outbursts. You see, major shifts in barometric pressure can cause some children with Autism to have behavioral problems. I have been asking myself if he is actually my child this week.

This week, I have spent many hours trying to keep a containment field around him. It also doesn't help that hubby is still rehabbing from hip surgery, so he's no help. I was really feeling at my wit's end this evening. After I had cleaned up the destruction that was my house for the fifth time, I was about to kill him. I put him in the bath and he threw water everywhere and then I knew that someone was going to have to call a professional for me.........

He got dressed.....then we finished the night time ritual. You know, brush teeth, comb hair, and read bedtime stories. I was so thrilled that seven o'clock had finally rolled around.........the magical hour when the child goes to bed!

Then, he did something that made me regroup and release all the frustration that had been building up all week. When we said our prayers, he asked for God to help mommy. Mommy was tired and grumpy and needed help........and God, could you turn off the clouds. I like rain, but Yuma has enough now and I want to play outside........and lunch inside at school isn't any fun at all.....

Small children have this way of simplifying things. Clearing away all the complications and finding the exact way to solve the puzzle. His answer was that God could fix it..........pretty simple.........Darn, wish I would have thought of that!

Abundant Blessings

Today I got the opportunity to have coffee with a terrific friend and fellow mother of a child with autism. We laughed and talked about all the weird things our children do. It was such a release to spend a short time with a women who understands......a kindered spirit. I should have been doing two-thousand other things but chose not to. I chose to be in that moment with my friend. Away from reality for just one hour.......It was AMAZING, REFRESHING, and necessary.

Sometimes, I think we get so wrapped up in ourselves that all we see is the bad in our lives. It's easy to get stuck in a rut.....I know I have been in one as of late. Visiting with a friend and watching the suffering in Haiti have a way of forcing you to change your perspective.

I have been kind of nostalgic this week. When you turn on the news, it's shocking. How can you look at the destruction and human suffering and not be moved. I can't even imagine how the Haitian people must be suffering......so I've been feeling darn blessed this week. I didn't ask for a disabled child but I have a house, car, family, and friends. I think sometimes we forget how good we have it. We have more than these poor people started with. Today, I just took some time to actually appreciate what I have.

Pray for those families and give what you can. Imagine loosing everything including your family......definitely changes your perspective. Over all, consider what you have in your life and thank God for it.